U of U researchers: No surprise about penis size

A recent paper published in the Journal of Science just proves what we already knew: men with bigger trucks have smaller penises. Concluding a four year study into the matter, a team of University of Utah researchers found overwhelming evidence to support the notion that penis size is conversely related to vehicle size.

Head researcher, Dr. Sandra Flemming, initiated the study in late 2003 after accepting a research position at the University of Utah’s research park. Dr. Flemming noted that after moving to Utah, her sex life seemed to lose its umph. According to Dr. Flemming, “All the men I’ve been with since moving to Utah have fallen disappointingly short of fulfilling my needs…except for that amazing romp with an intern on a gurney in the janitor’s closet.” This overall disappointment led the analytical Dr. Flemming to research the matter, and eventually she settled on what she calls Compensation Theory.

Like most of us, Dr. Flemming had heard it said—when referring to a man in a big truck— that he must be compensating for something. Amazingly enough, the lackluster Utah men that Dr. Flemming had dated all drove big trucks. “Coincidentally,” added Dr. Flemming “that intern drove a 1983 Honda Civic.”

The actual research was remarkably simple. Dr. Flemming’s team interviewed over 2,500 Utah men over the four year period. Each man was asked what he drove, then had his penis measured. According to research assistant Bethany Hall “After a while, you knew that if a man said he drove a Hummer or a Cadillac Escalade, you could expect between 2 to 2 ½ inches erect. I imagine some of these guys that drive giant lifted trucks probably left their towels on when showering in gym class.” When asked what she’d learned from this study, Miss Hall blushed, grinned and coyly said “I wish this state had more bike commuters.”

According to Dr. Flemming, this study could shed some light on the disturbing popularity of Prozac and other anti-depressants among Utah women.  “Utah has a large percentage of full sized vehicles. When you factor in the Compensation Theory, you find a lot of women in this state that are left unsatisfied and unfulfilled. That’s when they turn to Prozac and alcohol. My heart goes out to these women.”

Dr. Flemming's team plans to continue research in this area. They have found evidence that guns, muscle cars, and maybe even bullet bikes might follow the same trend. Only further studies will tell. Until then, Dr. Flemming’s "team" is urging all men who are interested in women to consider downgrading to four-cylinder vehicles, or better yet, bikes.