By Ryan Shattuck
The Regal Seagull

Tragedy struck yesterday when Chris Buttars, State Senator over Senate District 10, had a Happy Holidays instead of a Merry Christmas at his home in West Jordan. According to family sources, Buttars was at home listening to holiday music and enjoying a slice of gingerbread when the catastrophe occurred. The senator has been in the news during the past few weeks for attempting to pass legislation that would require Utah retailers to use “Merry Christmas” instead of the non-denominational greeting, “Happy Holidays.”

“It was absolutely terrible,” said his wife Helen Buttars. “Chris isn’t a bad person, and he’s not an atheist. He would never have a happy holidays. In fact, he’s the merriest Christian I know. I really don’t know why God would allow this to happen to him. Only homosexuals and liberals deserve to have a happy holidays. I don’t know, is there a Happy Godless Day? That’s what they deserve.”

While experts are still unable to pinpoint the exact cause of the happy holiday accident, some believe it was due to Buttars’ lack of outdoor nativity scene this year. Said Dr. Marvin Bellingham, professor of holiday studies at the University of Utah: “There’s no doubt that Chris Buttars is a very good Christian. Nevertheless, not having a plastic baby Jesus in his front yard leaves passers-by confused. Is he Jewish? Does he celebrate Kwanza? What about Boxing Day? His Christmas preferences remain ambigious.”

Buttars remains in stable condition, and is expected to make a full recovery. Mrs. Buttars mentioned that his children were by his side, and that is currently on a diet of fluids and candy canes. He will most likely have a Merry Christmas by the weekend.