By Ryan Shattuck
The Regal Seagull

Lutwell Brothers Technologies, an Orem-based technology firm, announced today to the Utah media that the groundbreaking V-chip for cell phones will be available in Fall 2008.

The V-chip for cell phones, or “V-Chip for Cell Phones” as it will be marketed, works similar to the V-chip found in the televisions in homes of concerned parents across America. The user programs a set list of offensive words, such as “f**k,” “b***h,” “c*cksuck*r,” “b*rth cont*ol,” and “p**p head,” and with this predetermined list the V-chip identifies the targeted words and protects the user from ever having to experience anything profane of offensive. The individual using the cell phone, in place of hearing such disrespectful and impolite language, simply hears a pleasant beep.

Stated Charles Lutwell, vice-president with Lutwell Brothers Technologies, “With the new V-chip for Cell Phones, parents will no longer have to worry about their children hearing derogatory language on the cell phone. Faith-loving people will no longer have to worry about having dirty conversations with inappropriate friends. We really believe that the V-Chip for Cell Phones will change the way people communicate with each other, by preventing filthy, obscene language from ever having to be heard again. Ever.”

Family groups and morality watchdog organizations across the nation praised the new technology. “I’ve always wanted to find a way to prevent my smutty brother-in-law from telling his dirty jokes. After all, my ears are a temple, not a visiting center,” commented homemaker Shirley Christenson. Said 3rd grade teacher Carol Bremson, “Finally there’s a way to prevent me from hearing my gynecologist neighbor talk about work.”

Even Dan Gernberg of the ACLU of Utah was ecstatic over the new chip. “Sure, I’ve spent my entire life by donating all my time and energy to protect the Freedom of Speech. But sometimes it’s nice to know that you can prevent others from opening their mouth and spreading their trashy language.”

The price for the V-Chip for Cell Phones was not available at press time.

Thats a F*cking great article.  Hey wait?  You V-Chip the comments too.  Mother F*cking V’chip’n all over the G*d d*mn place.  Before you know it we are gonna be only left with ‘Astricks’ as a swear word. **** you!