By John Stewart
The Regal Seagull

Exit polls all over the country show that although Barack Obama clearly had a lead over John McCain, a record number of Old Biddies say that they still voted for that “hussy” on Tuesday. Old Biddie votes have remained steady over the years, with a whopping 37% of the vote belonging to this powerful group of elderly white women.

“Every year, we meet for an ice cream social the day after Halloween. There we discuss new needle point patterns, who has been in the hospital recently, and who we, as a group, will be voting for president,” said Arvella Clump, spokesperson for the Old Biddies. With membership in 40 states, the Old Biddies have the potential to sway many elections.

When asked how their California members voted on Proposition 8, Ms. Clump turned red, feigned ignorance, and pulled out a wallet full of pictures of her grandchildren.

Many of the Old Biddies voted for McCain in spite of his ailing health, so they could actually see a woman in the white house before they die, which in itself, is a bit ironic.