By Kristen Hintz
The Regal Seagull

Last time I checked, having your blood forcibly removed from your body was a bad thing. But maybe I’m just old fashioned.

Apparently there is half a hoard of young women who would be more than happy to have their blood spilt by a glittery-skinned vampire. The other half would rather go all Mary Kay LeTourneau with an underage werewolf. Thousands of these women waited in bookstores all over the country for hours Friday night just so they could be among the first to get their hands on a copy of “Breaking Dawn,” the fourth installment in the “Twilight” series.

For those of you who are deaf, dumb, blind, or male, the “Twilight” books are about a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire.

No, I’m being totally serious. Totally serious.

Throw in her young werewolf admirer, who happens to be the immortal enemy of the vampire, and you’ve got some surefire awkward love triangle situations. And the rabidly obsessed fanbase of these books is divided over which of these suitors the heroine should end up with, hence their determination to get their hands on “Breaking Dawn” as quickly as possible.

Now, in my experience, it’s generally wise to avoid vampires. Not to sound racist, but they don’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships. Sure, they’re romantic at first - they’ve mastered the art of whisking a young virgin away through her open window in the moonlight - but then at the end of the night they kill you, drink your blood, and leave you lying in a gutter somewhere. That’s just poor dating etiquette.

And it’s not just vampires. Most undead sub-species make poor life partners. Zombies seem like wonderful boyfriends at first. They make great listeners, follow you around like lovesick puppies, and are quite adept at opening difficult pickle jars. But then it always ends the same way - they eat you. And Frankenstein’s monster? I guarantee that the first time you surprise him with a candlelight dinner he’ll freak out, tear your apartment to pieces, and eat you. And all women understand that there’s nothing quite so pleasant and enjoyable as spooning with a werewolf - that is, of course, until he eats you.

These books are sending a terrible message to young women about the things they should expect in their romantic relationships. To them I ask, do you really think it wise for all of you to be fantasizing about finding a vampire boyfriend like the one in the book? Why can’t you just find a nice, normal, human boyfriend instead? One who, with training and a little luck, won’t kill you and eat you?

Not sure any woman in Utah would know what it’s like to be eaten by a man.